So, I thought today, after a conversation with a wonderful friend of mine, that I would be able to write a poem about our quite amazing (albeit short) conversation. So, I got on here, set up the text field, and... anything I could have written and/or tried to write just didn't work... So...

I realized quite quickly that happy topics confuse me. I cannot write a poem that has a good quality to it. Whatever I write has to be dark, depressing, saddening, without hope... The like. So, I dunno. Truthfully, it really sucks, because I would have loved to have been able to write one poem that had a happy, cheery feel to it...

But, that obviously isn't possible for me right now...

I'm posting poems, believing that they're supposed to make me feel better. Get my feelings out on pen and paper, text and code, and somehow the world's supposed to seem brighter... Yeah, right...

What's the point of writing when no one can sympathize, no one can critique, when no one is available to talk to? I only want to be able to count on someone to help me, yet everyone is so enveloped in their own lives... I know I can't help myself, I've tried for years, and nothing ever changes.

I've been thinking of giving up again lately. It's how I felt a few years back when there was little I had to look forward to, and what was there wasn't ever enough to actually make me care. I know that nothing I could do by myself to relieve the damned darkness would help, either... I'm just kinda stuck here, in limbo, calling out to everyone and noone at once... Where did I ever go wrong? What do I have to do to change?

Why AM I even doing this?

What a surprise. I'd half-expected my DeviantArt account to be all dusty when I got back, or perhaps eaten by spiders, but it seems all is well here. I can't say the same for everything else, though. So, I've decided that a better use of my time currently used for brooding and being depressed would be better suited for trying to write a lot more than I do now. I've fallen out of it ever since college first began close to a year ago, so it's about time I started being a true deviant.

I welcome the shadows, for they are now my muse.

Well, obviously from the two journal entries so far, you've noticed that I'm depressed... If not... Well, I'm depressed.

Anyways, considering I didn't have many deviations here, and need something to occupy myself... I'm going to be writing a story... Hopefully many chapters and pages long. It will actually be about my life... at first. It's based off of what friends have really told me is going to happen, and veer off to what I want to happen... Or at least what I always picture when I daydream about everything...

The first chapter should show up soon... Hopefully.

I had this dream...

In my dream, a person I cared for so much left me for someone else... I wanted revenge against her, but I could not make her feel sorry for her decision. I simply left her be as she wished, having fun with a man who would never treat her the right way... The way I could have...

I saw myself all alone in the corner, harassed by demons that resided in the darkness. As people lived their lives and slowly forgot about me, I shivered in the dark, holding myself close and hoping that someone would find me...

... And then the giant twinkie walked past, and I sort of realized that the meaningful part of the dream had ended.